…still waiting for a clever title…

Time to come clean, I hate Star Wars. I once loved it, but the new movies Lucas released this decade, and his endless rwqeaking with the films killed the love I had for it. After watching Attack of the Clones in the theatre, I swore off the movies and have not watched them sense. This changed recently, becasue of my love of the orginal three, as well as Thousand Suns. So I decided to pop in Attack of the Clones (Ariana still loves Star Wars and had bought the movies when they came out).

So I did it again, I watched a Star Wars movie and once again I feel cheated. After being under whelmed by A Phantom Menace and realizing that the real menace was Lucas’ insistence that he could direct and write, I thought I was done. Sadly the sweet seductive siren call of nostalgia lured me back in. We were told by the Star Wars spin-doctors that Lucas made a better movie. We were promised to see the much-rumored Clone Wars. We were told that Jar Jar Binks would only be seen briefly. After hearing all of this, I went into the movie not wanting to see a “great movie,” but an entertaining movie. If it was not for the last 30-minutes I would have probably gouged my ears and eyes out so that the pain I endured could be over.

First off, Lucas cannot write.

Let me state that agin.

Lucas cannot write.

Oh he can plot a story and he can visualize a story, but he does not have the ability to write a story that Attack of the Clones demanded. That story is about love, betrayal and failing. The love affair between Anakin and Padme is central to this movie, and it is also central to the mythology of Star Wars. It is this affair that brings about Luke and Leia and is the starting point of Anakin’s fall to the Dark Side. Yet after sitting through the movie I do not buy the love story. Why? Because Lucas is unable to write a love story. Padme does not strike me as a woman who sits around talking about love and how it feels to be in love. She reminds me of Leia, who falls in love and does not question it. Here we have a woman, who in one scene is unwilling to have Jedi guard her, and in another sits around talking about her feelings.

Keep in mind that both Anakin and Padme are not capable of expressing anything but the basic romantic clichés. These clichés become mind-numbingly boring after this “hot couple” spends their first three minutes together. The Lucas vision of love is something to be endured, rather than something that should be cherished. Surprisingly there is never a romantic word exchanged between them. Well there is one if you count Anakin stating:

“I don’t like the sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating—not like you. You’re soft and smooth.”

Soft and smooth may be a great way to describe a desert, but not a women you are considering having a secret affair with.

Even more astounding is the fact that Padme has no problem loving someone who partakes in genocide. At the important moment in the film Anakin gives into his hate and slaughters an entire tribe of Tuskan Raiders. This is important because it shows that Anakin has crossed the line and is now slowly shifting to the Dark Side. In a scene that should have been emotional, Anakin confesses to Padme about what he did. Does she show shock? Does she show fear? No. Cue John William’s tired brassy musical arrangements, have Lucas pull in tight, and then watch as Lucas destroys a strong female character by having her melt for the killer.

The sad thing is that none of this fits into the current view of Star Wars. Hell, the entire Ben/Anakin relationship does not jive with what we have been told in the original movies. As you recall in A New Hope Ben tells Luke about his father and states: “Your father was a great pilot. I flew with him in the Clone Wars. I sensed that the Force was strong in him and I introduced him to the ways of the Force.”

It was this, which for me set Ben up as a tragic figure. He realized that it was his failure in training Anakin that led to the creation of Vader and the death of the Jedi. Now this is not the case, Ben trained Anakin because he was told to. Not because Ben thought he was better than Yoda, and that in his arrogance he could train Anakin.

Speaking of Yoda, why is it that Vader has no knowledge of Yoda, even though he interacted with him? Hell, after watching the green midget going Medieval with a lightsaber, you would think that would be something that would stick in your mind? Once again look at the original movies. When Vader and Luke confront each other for the first time in Bespen, what did Vader say? “Obi-Won trained you well.” Not, “So the ass-kicking green midget Yoda taught you how to fight.” None of this adds up to what we have already seen.

I have other problems with how Anakin’s portrayed in the movie. If he has studied with the Jedi for 10 years and that his formative years have been with the Jedi, why would he still be reckless? I could buy the rashness and reckless nature of Anakin if he had met Ben in this movie, but since the age of 10 Anakin has been with Ben so the rashness would have been gone. I was waiting for Ben to finally snap and yell: “Listen you twit, shut your mouth. If it wasn’t for me you would still be sucking sand on that dust ball of a planet you called home.”

One could argue that Emperor has been influencing Anakin, and that is the reason he is arrogant and rash. However, you have only one scene with the two, and you must read between the lines.

Don’t even get me started with Boba Fett. I have never been a member of the Cult of Fett. For me, he is just a bounty hunter, and one who ends up dying due to equipment failure. Yet now, we see Boba as a kid and the mystery of who is behind the mask is now ruined. We see the young Boba witness a Jedi kill his father. Compare this to the Boba of Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi; here is a man who got paid twice for catching Solo. Here is a Boba who worked for the Hutts. Here is a Boba Fett that gets taken down by a blind smuggler and cries like a baby when his jet pack flies him into the mouth of the Sarlacc. If Boba was angry because the Jedi killed his dad, why is this not addressed when Boba confronts Luke during Return of the Jedi? Oh it will be, thanks to the Lucas Digital Eraser™!

Lucas is on record as saying that when he finally releases the original trilogy on DVD he plans on adding scenes and changing things so that they fit with the new movies. This is a terrible idea and an insult to the original movies. Now all of the problems and mistakes that cropped up in Attack of the Clones can be “digitally” erased, sorry in Lucas Speak™ the correct word is digitally enhanced, in the original movies. Lucas will perform his Jedi Mind Trick and smash the original trilogy into conforming to his new vision. Instead of Anakin the great pilot, we will have Anakin the annoying 10-year-old munchkin pod racer.

Still there were parts of this movie that were very good, and for me the last 30 minutes were worth the two-hours of butt numbing boredom I sat through. I love the computer and CGI, but Lucas’s total dependence on it creates lifeless acting. Of course it does not help that the dialogue was bad as well as lifeless. With Attack of the Clones I was left wanting—wanting to see Irvin Kershner who directed Empire Strikes Back brought back.